I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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