I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
