Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
