im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
