I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
