I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize