You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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