I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
