in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
