So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
