never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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