There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
