Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
They have beer where we have blood.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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