he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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