i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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