lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
We are all done wearing pants today
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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