end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
