had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
