The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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