loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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