11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
