I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
