worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
