He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
