dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
