I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I need to sanitize my soul.
as a side note pls kill me
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
