you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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