hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
