a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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