why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
