Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
