Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
