she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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