Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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