So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
