So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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