my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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