holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
A+ Viking dick
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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