I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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