I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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