tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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