she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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