they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
