Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
