if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
