I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize