Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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