I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
