You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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