What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
