Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
