Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
