i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
