Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
