tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
