Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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