he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
