I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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