i already hear my dad disowning me
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
pop tarts are not kleenex
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
