I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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