Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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