I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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